Perception; It's More About Mannerisms than Makeup

This is an article based off a comment I posted on Lori's blog about gaining self acceptance with your reflected image, realizing your true beauty through your internal image, and the limits of external validation. My response to the article was as follows:

It's true, external validation can only get someone so far in terms of being genuinely comfortable in their own skin, however, I believe that virtually every woman goes through a struggle one way or another with being accepting of the reflection in the mirror. I have known well established professional models that endure a battle in self acceptance. There are too many external pressures from our supposedly 'objective' outlets in society, there is not enough celebration in the diversity of the beauty that makes us all individually unique and whole. When I am doing makeup for clients, I firmly believe in emphasizing the natural beauty the person has, and if they dare to object, then I dare to prove them wrong. I think as transgender people we suffer a greater burden of accepting our true selves in our reflective and in our internal images. A question that is brought up to me from time to time is if I wasn't passable, would I still transition. My answer, most definitely, being a woman is not necc accounted on by how well you blend into society but how much you shine as a woman. So much more relies on mannerisms than makeup.

Look at what society has done (or attempted to do based off of whom you ask) to Caster Semenya, Venus and Serena Williams, Lady Gaga, etc based off of these poorly perceived notions of what it really means to be a woman. I am fully aware that it is difficult, damn near impossible for me to be perceived as a genetic woman in most areas, simply because of my height (~6'6") But I am not ashamed of being a transwoman, I am not ashamed of my struggle, my dicothomy/dysphoria, my identity, my being, even my height, and with that being said-I would rather be perceived as a transwoman than being perceived as a person who I am truly not. I am growing a greater comfort in my own skin as I continue in the journey of transition, and further realising the truth that a persons inner beauty will project who they really are. Now don't get me wrong, I love makeup, a lot. I'm an artist, I love playing with colour and technique, however, I don't believe that makeup is going to be an end-all-cure-all. Makeup, in my opinion, is to help a person (feel better about their self by highlighting their natural beauty in subtle or dramatic ways) not to make a person.

A lot of people that I have known before transition upon meeting me in my true self for the first time, react in a matter of clarity as opposed to shock. I want to close this article and thought with a statement a good friend of mine told me when she first met me as Zoe; "it makes sense, you have always been Zoe, now you are just finally shining through". I have a bit of a ways to go, physically, emotionally, etc but I think with the support of family and friends and logic, I am stepping in with my best foot forward.

The Story of Caster Semenya

This is the story of another wonderful individual who just happens to lay under the transgender umbrella. Caster Semenya is the South African runner who has come into recent fame not only for an astonishing performance in the 800m (1'55.45") but who has also been revealed as intersexed, beginning with nonsensical speculation over the athletes' facial hair and supposed masculine appearance (possible paranoia & poor profiling mixed with sore loser-ness??). An Australian newspaper; the Sydney Daily Telegraph recently stated that the International Association of Athletes Federation (IAFF) reports the 18 year old athlete having three times the standard level of testosterone for a woman and internal testes as opposed to a uterus and ovaries. Unfortunately, I feel that this situation was a giant media disaster, using derogatory terms (ie. hermaphrodite) as well as the nature of this initial context; making very private medical information public, without consultation of the party involved. It is not only highly intrusive, but also dangerous. Semenya has rightfully chosen not to discuss the matter and maintain a rather low profile throughout the ordeal stating to South Africa's You Magazine; "God made me the way I am and I accept myself. I am who I am and I'm proud of myself." A very tremendous, apt, and yet understated comment; we are all proud of you Semenya.

Jaila Simms!!

Good morning all!! Just in case you missed it, Diddy (fka P Diddy, P, Puff Daddy, Sean John, etc) has a new reality show on the MTV network called "Making His Band". Unlike his previous series; "Making the Band" this show is requires Mr. Diddy creating his own back up band. Like all musical reality series, it starts with a hefty amount of contestants in a giant open audition. Some of the contestants are snooze-worthy, boring, even dull, however, one of these contestants is by far a superstar on the rise. Her name is Jaila Simms, she is a young transwoman from Chicago, IL and unlike many of the karaoke-superstars that appeared on the premier episode, this girl has some seriously trained pipes! Sadly, yet realistically, the judges on the show go in to some serious shock and awe and horrid pronoun misusage while discussing her identity during her audition (never, ever, ever use the term "it" when referring to us! when will the world learn? maybe when more phenoms like Jaila are live in the scene, in the flesh, and in your faces, ears, eyes, etc) Anyway, let us continue our celebration of another succesfull and talented sister in our community by watching the video of her audition!

180 days, 180 degrees.

Well for starters I really don't know if it has been 180 days since my last post but if it was then the coincidence is awesome, and I apologize for my absence. As for the 180 degrees, let's put it like this; my name is Zoe Renee which translates "life reborn", which is exactly what I have gone through. Long story short, I am full speed ahead in transition, completely open about my gender identity (::gasps:: even to the other DJs!), and I did it all without the previous feel for need that I had to move far away to do so! Granted, I still have yet to take the extra large step and live full time, and truth be told I still have no desire to stay here in Cleveland but the weight of feeling that I need to "hide" myself from the world is diminished forever. My coming out, actually has gone quite well in terms of acceptance, and the joy I get for being able to express myself is second to none. As for a little insight on exactly how I did it, it wasn't a gigantic public spectacle, on my most active and used social network site I changed my profile picture to the transgender flag and enclosed a status message simply saying; "if you need to know, ask." I have gotten a small amount of fuss from some of my fellow transisters for being so 'public' and not 'stealth' about transitioning and abandoning my male side completely, yadda yadda yadda. Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for some people to do it like that, hell, I even felt that was the way I had to do it myself. In my lifetime, I have never denied being transgender but never before had I openly expressed being transgender, and this next comment is only meant as a personal reflection (so this is not intended to say anything about anyone else except me); I am not ashamed of who I am! I feel that as transpeople we are misrepresented, misunderstood, and underestimated, and whilst everything I do in my life hereon may not be in the name of 'fighting for the people' I am on the front lines making myself and making our voices clear. If there is one thing I have learned from my coming out experience is that good or bad, people need to be aware, it is the only way we will learn and it is the only way we will grow. I am blessed for the friends I have made through here as well as the friendships I am maintaining from my "present past life", I am even grateful for the friendships that were lost due to my coming out; with that in mind I close on a quote I came across on the awesome Monica Roberts blog;

“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.” -Alice Walker

For once throughout this over 20 year journey, things are in the right place and I have never felt more confident in my life about anything.

life 2.0

So I obviously am no champion at the blog game such as my sister Monica (your rock btw) and sadly it's not because there's nothing in my life worth writing about. It's actually quite the opposite, mylife has been frazzled, busy, and more frazzled in the past months. I never realized how difficult it is to balance two completely different personas, halfs, beings, whatever you want to call it until I began to take my transition to the next stage. While exciting, I constantly felt torn to either be myself or be the person that my contemporaries, fans, anyone else that knew 'me'. So often would I get the 'grow your beard back' talk by my fellow DJs,because sadly that had become os strongly attatched to my image of the DJ I am. It didn't and hasn't wound down to what you hear, but who you see. Needless to say, I'm stuck and I feel trapped, and need an outlet, friend, resource, something or someone that can relate to me and my constantly evolviong situation or just give me an insight...I don't typically depend on others in this gravity because I've always been a very autonomous person, I just don't think it will work this time.. :\

Zoe

well....

::sneaks around the corner slightly frayed and scared:: Hi!! remember me anybody?? I am so sorry I have not updated my blog in so long, life has been extremely crazy yet it has been quite a blessing! Transition is coming along well, still not ft but that is perfectly fine with me. I have been DJing a lot more and I am getting closer to acheiving that all mighty elusive doctorate!! In other news, I have adopted officially a name, and it was given to me by my mother! She stated that the name she has been thinking best for me was Zoe Renee, which I think is awesome! Which translasted means, reborn faith :) which in a way describes my greater sense of being. Anyway, I have moved back into the city and spending some time catching up with some old friends I grew up with, I have even come out with a couple of them and they were suprisingly accepting which was a huge relief. Anyway things have steadied out a bit finally and my life is resuming some order, I promise you I will be back to blogging multiple times a week now and look forward to talking with all of you once again very soon (oooohh and I promise to put a picture of me on here for once too haha). I have a lot to talk about in the upcoming days/ weeks and I can't wait to hear about your lives!! Oh yeah, and thank you all for the wonderful birthday wishes!!! XOXO

Happy Birthday!

To................................Me!!! 24 years friends and still going strong!! Have a great weekend friends!

Introduction to a Wish List

These are things, rather satirical, material, or just plain ole nice that I would like to see happen not only for the good of myself but also the world. This reminded me of a post over at Monica's blog and I just had to add this as one of my first wishes! **the wish being the fulfillment of the MSNBC prophecy with a little extra 'get the network shut down' to boot**



In other news, the first week of HRT is now complete, and I have never felt so sore but so good, ever! Stay tuned!

bottom side of the glass

That was the sight that my eyes embarked on as I finished the first glass of water to womanhood today. My HRT has officially begun :) My nerves are calm and I am terribly excited all at the same time, I really don't know how else to describe this sense of satisfaction and completion, it's definitely not something I'm used to-but it's definitely something I enjoy.

whew!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but trust me, this has been a pretty crazy week. For starters I had to travel to the lovely town of Jeannette, PA due to a death in my stepfathers family. Spent the weekend out there and it was a solemn but a pleasent experience. Then, I spent the past three days in the hospital with my mom because she had surgery, I was extremely worried because there was difficulty with her heart rate but thankfully she is okay now and I got to bring her home yesterday. She has a pretty good track record though, the last time my mom was in the hospital was 23 years ago when she gave birth to me! ^^
In other good news, I was finally able to come clean about myself and my gender identity this past weekend as well as reaffirmation with my mother and step-father, and everything went exceptionally well. I could not have dreamed of a greater love and acceptance. I can now say that I am prepared and ready to engage in the next big big step in transition! I've been cleared for HRT and should be starting my initial regimines within the next week, woo hoo!! I am so excited yet a bit frightened out of my mind!! I think in honor and in maturing to the next satge it is really time for me to consider seriously changing my name, Lola is kind and sweet and everything but I honestly feel that with this next step, it is time for a change, so babynames.com here I come!
In some median grade news I thought my week and my career was on its way to a disastourous end. I was more or less openly transgendered in college, my close friends, ex-fiance, co-workers, fellow staff knew of it but I was still repressed to be so limited within my gender expression. However, once I became more comfrotable and open about my gender, I lost some 'friends' at the same time, some however didn't fall off immediately and allowed their dismay to build (which is the premise to the next part of the weekend). Anyway, I am a part of a DJ message board online which consists of some of the best and some of my favorite DJs around the world. We all get on there several times a day and share music, ideas, humour, advice, and just plain old chit chat. Well there was a thread within a section of the board entitled; "Is anyone on here a homosexual" it wasn't designed to bash or anything, just one of the DJs was curious and also a homosexual and wanted to know how many other DJs on the board was. There were a couple of pages of responses and whatever, people making jokes (nothing offensive) just the usual. I was alerted by a friend that there was a message about me on the board, I login to the board, go to the thread that I was told my name was mentioned and low and behold; someone outed me as being transgendered! I was horrified needless to say, and it wasn't just 'oh yeah, he's transgendered' it was hurtful and deliberate bashing on me and my identity and eventually anyone that had support for me. It was brutal, humiliating, and I felt utterly hopeless, I could only muster the response 'who the hell are you and why are you trying to do this' from which a response of more hatred and exposure continued. The perp even hacked my personal (non dj but tg) mypace and began to message and bother other users on the board and then deleted my page!! Fortunately, the wonderful group of DJs stepped forward and made it clear that they will stand up for me rather the acusation was true or not and eventually got the asshole banned. However, I did have to come clean with one of my favorite DJs that I know personally here in Cleveland, fortunately he was quite accepting as well as the other members of the online message board. I do have intentions of being open and clear to the community (especially now) but I didn't want to do it that way, not at all. But thankfully, its over and my dignity is in tact and I now know I can be open about my gender with the people that I share such a strong passion of music with.
I feel really positive about the revelations that occured and the many changes that are about to happen in the upcoming future. The journey was a long time coming, and I sincerely thank and appreciate all of you for being here with me throughout and for continuing to be with me during. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad things had to go the way they did to get to where they are now, so with a giant sigh of humility and relief I think it may be safe to say

Where It All Began (It Was All A Dream) pt1

It's really hard for me to explain how I ended up this way in a more conventional sense ( maybe in terms of genetic mapping, chemical balances, etc), and the why is still being discovered; but what I can tell you is that somewhere in early in my existence I grew the insight that being a woman was a lot more comfortable for me. What I can say in respects to 'how' in a conventional sense on how I am where I am today is that I was stubborn as hell, just not adament on sticking to my guns long enough. I think naturally like most people begining in their exploration of gender it began with a model figure, being raised by three women after my father passed-I jokingly feel I didn't have any other choice but to idolize and strive to be like the women of my family.
Sadly, most of my passions and feelings went inhibited and would exhibit thereselves usually with not the best of results. I can't admit to ever standing firm on my soapbox and telling my mother or sister or grandmother that I wanted to be a woman, but I can recall the first time I was caught in drag haha. I remember the pain and embarassment I felt of being caught, but I can remember the pride and comfort I felt in what I was caught for. I knew I was different from my classmates, I just didn't know how necc at that young age (8 years old)-but I did once I was older. Growing up, the 'male' of the family, I felt obligated to be masculine and even to this day sadly I am 'forced into repression' of my true self.
Some things have changed, for instance; I was able to come out to my mother about my gender-dysphoria as well as my indecision on a long term plan (hrt, srs, etc), in fact I came out twice lol (maybe the first time was a trial run *shrugs*) but for those two times I was able to be honest and upfront I still felt that I was forced back into repression and that I have never been fully able to be myself. I thank God for the opportunities I had to come out to my mother; my main inspirations coming from reading articles by Monica Roberts to countless conversations with inspiring women such as Lexi and Christine, if it wasn't for that encouragement and inspiration well I'd prob be close to crazy or in my grave by now. My life is currently set on a very indelicate balance between my male and female side and everyday leads to new dicoveries, inspirations, friends, and risks. On one hand there is a personality that is completely controlled by the 'dj' side of me; this is the alpha male, club & globe-trotting, record-spinning superstar, yet on the other half there is me; Lola.
To even structure the latter portion of that sentence took years, believe it or not. I am seeking a better sense of balance or a better situation to let me be and still do what I love. As for what I love, well that's simple: I love good people and sharing good music, my ultimate dream is to get my PhD in Higher Education and Student Development, so I can prepare some good students to become great and succesful people, as well as to be able to establish my own mark as not only a performance based DJ, but as a transgendered one at that. Which if anyone who is familiar with a certain level of DJing (i.e. DJs A-Trak, Nu Mark, Shadow, Diplo, Blaqstarr, AM, MixMasterMike, etc) it is primarily dominated by straight men (well seemingly straight men haha) and there is seemingly no room for a girl like me to play with the boys (unless I were to restrain myself musically and play within settings socially more acceptable but musically intolerable-no offense Honey DiJon, trust me you are one of my idols).
So ultimately, I guess the question is to attempt to create a better grounded balance or to be an outlaw completely, just come out to my family and my music community and say "here I am damnit! take it or leave it!!" Sorry for the legnthy post, friends, just something that was running through my head today while having a conversation about the LGBT community with one of my DJ friends and naturally had to repress the urge to say "hey, I'm TG". *sigh*

My first blog!!

Greetings new friends! Welcome to my first step into the wonderful world of blogging. A little about me; I am a 23 year old non-op/pt african-american transgendered woman from Cleveland, OH. I am a college graduate pursuing my doctorate in student development, I am a professional DJ as well-still awaiting her big break in a world dominated by men. This blog, is going to encompass my lifelong and daily struggles of being a transgendered person and still trying to establish a balance of a part time and possible full time lifestyle. I will be discussing all sorts of music, history, current events, fashion, and personal struggles-this will be a very sharing and worthwhile experience (I hope). I am more than open to all of your comments and support, it can be lonely out there for a girl like me; so I'm hoping some of my readers will be able to share as well. I am always up for a great conversation, so feel free to contact me! Well, that was painless enough, so buckle up boys and girls-here we go!!