180 days, 180 degrees.

Well for starters I really don't know if it has been 180 days since my last post but if it was then the coincidence is awesome, and I apologize for my absence. As for the 180 degrees, let's put it like this; my name is Zoe Renee which translates "life reborn", which is exactly what I have gone through. Long story short, I am full speed ahead in transition, completely open about my gender identity (::gasps:: even to the other DJs!), and I did it all without the previous feel for need that I had to move far away to do so! Granted, I still have yet to take the extra large step and live full time, and truth be told I still have no desire to stay here in Cleveland but the weight of feeling that I need to "hide" myself from the world is diminished forever. My coming out, actually has gone quite well in terms of acceptance, and the joy I get for being able to express myself is second to none. As for a little insight on exactly how I did it, it wasn't a gigantic public spectacle, on my most active and used social network site I changed my profile picture to the transgender flag and enclosed a status message simply saying; "if you need to know, ask." I have gotten a small amount of fuss from some of my fellow transisters for being so 'public' and not 'stealth' about transitioning and abandoning my male side completely, yadda yadda yadda. Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for some people to do it like that, hell, I even felt that was the way I had to do it myself. In my lifetime, I have never denied being transgender but never before had I openly expressed being transgender, and this next comment is only meant as a personal reflection (so this is not intended to say anything about anyone else except me); I am not ashamed of who I am! I feel that as transpeople we are misrepresented, misunderstood, and underestimated, and whilst everything I do in my life hereon may not be in the name of 'fighting for the people' I am on the front lines making myself and making our voices clear. If there is one thing I have learned from my coming out experience is that good or bad, people need to be aware, it is the only way we will learn and it is the only way we will grow. I am blessed for the friends I have made through here as well as the friendships I am maintaining from my "present past life", I am even grateful for the friendships that were lost due to my coming out; with that in mind I close on a quote I came across on the awesome Monica Roberts blog;

“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.” -Alice Walker

For once throughout this over 20 year journey, things are in the right place and I have never felt more confident in my life about anything.

life 2.0

So I obviously am no champion at the blog game such as my sister Monica (your rock btw) and sadly it's not because there's nothing in my life worth writing about. It's actually quite the opposite, mylife has been frazzled, busy, and more frazzled in the past months. I never realized how difficult it is to balance two completely different personas, halfs, beings, whatever you want to call it until I began to take my transition to the next stage. While exciting, I constantly felt torn to either be myself or be the person that my contemporaries, fans, anyone else that knew 'me'. So often would I get the 'grow your beard back' talk by my fellow DJs,because sadly that had become os strongly attatched to my image of the DJ I am. It didn't and hasn't wound down to what you hear, but who you see. Needless to say, I'm stuck and I feel trapped, and need an outlet, friend, resource, something or someone that can relate to me and my constantly evolviong situation or just give me an insight...I don't typically depend on others in this gravity because I've always been a very autonomous person, I just don't think it will work this time.. :\

Zoe

bottom side of the glass

That was the sight that my eyes embarked on as I finished the first glass of water to womanhood today. My HRT has officially begun :) My nerves are calm and I am terribly excited all at the same time, I really don't know how else to describe this sense of satisfaction and completion, it's definitely not something I'm used to-but it's definitely something I enjoy.