Thursday, July 31, 2008

whew!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but trust me, this has been a pretty crazy week. For starters I had to travel to the lovely town of Jeannette, PA due to a death in my stepfathers family. Spent the weekend out there and it was a solemn but a pleasent experience. Then, I spent the past three days in the hospital with my mom because she had surgery, I was extremely worried because there was difficulty with her heart rate but thankfully she is okay now and I got to bring her home yesterday. She has a pretty good track record though, the last time my mom was in the hospital was 23 years ago when she gave birth to me! ^^
In other good news, I was finally able to come clean about myself and my gender identity this past weekend as well as reaffirmation with my mother and step-father, and everything went exceptionally well. I could not have dreamed of a greater love and acceptance. I can now say that I am prepared and ready to engage in the next big big step in transition! I've been cleared for HRT and should be starting my initial regimines within the next week, woo hoo!! I am so excited yet a bit frightened out of my mind!! I think in honor and in maturing to the next satge it is really time for me to consider seriously changing my name, Lola is kind and sweet and everything but I honestly feel that with this next step, it is time for a change, so babynames.com here I come!
In some median grade news I thought my week and my career was on its way to a disastourous end. I was more or less openly transgendered in college, my close friends, ex-fiance, co-workers, fellow staff knew of it but I was still repressed to be so limited within my gender expression. However, once I became more comfrotable and open about my gender, I lost some 'friends' at the same time, some however didn't fall off immediately and allowed their dismay to build (which is the premise to the next part of the weekend). Anyway, I am a part of a DJ message board online which consists of some of the best and some of my favorite DJs around the world. We all get on there several times a day and share music, ideas, humour, advice, and just plain old chit chat. Well there was a thread within a section of the board entitled; "Is anyone on here a homosexual" it wasn't designed to bash or anything, just one of the DJs was curious and also a homosexual and wanted to know how many other DJs on the board was. There were a couple of pages of responses and whatever, people making jokes (nothing offensive) just the usual. I was alerted by a friend that there was a message about me on the board, I login to the board, go to the thread that I was told my name was mentioned and low and behold; someone outed me as being transgendered! I was horrified needless to say, and it wasn't just 'oh yeah, he's transgendered' it was hurtful and deliberate bashing on me and my identity and eventually anyone that had support for me. It was brutal, humiliating, and I felt utterly hopeless, I could only muster the response 'who the hell are you and why are you trying to do this' from which a response of more hatred and exposure continued. The perp even hacked my personal (non dj but tg) mypace and began to message and bother other users on the board and then deleted my page!! Fortunately, the wonderful group of DJs stepped forward and made it clear that they will stand up for me rather the acusation was true or not and eventually got the asshole banned. However, I did have to come clean with one of my favorite DJs that I know personally here in Cleveland, fortunately he was quite accepting as well as the other members of the online message board. I do have intentions of being open and clear to the community (especially now) but I didn't want to do it that way, not at all. But thankfully, its over and my dignity is in tact and I now know I can be open about my gender with the people that I share such a strong passion of music with.
I feel really positive about the revelations that occured and the many changes that are about to happen in the upcoming future. The journey was a long time coming, and I sincerely thank and appreciate all of you for being here with me throughout and for continuing to be with me during. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad things had to go the way they did to get to where they are now, so with a giant sigh of humility and relief I think it may be safe to say

3 comments:

Monica Roberts said...

Lola,
Before heading to babynames.com do something I wish I'd done.

Give your mom a chance to participate in choosing your new femme name. You make the final decision of course, but it will help your mother-new daughter bonding process if she has a hand in it.

Ms. Lola said...

You make an excellent point Monica, and I actually did start talking about names with mymom today-she does a better job with them than I do anyways haha :)

blackbird said...

Lola,

I'm proud of you for stepping out. Once you are out you are out and there is no going back. I wish you all the best with the search for a new name. And of course as you start HRT this is an exciting time. May it be a ride for you. I'll be following your transition.