It's really hard for me to explain how I ended up this way in a more conventional sense ( maybe in terms of genetic mapping, chemical balances, etc), and the why is still being discovered; but what I can tell you is that somewhere in early in my existence I grew the insight that being a woman was a lot more comfortable for me. What I can say in respects to 'how' in a conventional sense on how I am where I am today is that I was stubborn as hell, just not adament on sticking to my guns long enough. I think naturally like most people begining in their exploration of gender it began with a model figure, being raised by three women after my father passed-I jokingly feel I didn't have any other choice but to idolize and strive to be like the women of my family.
Sadly, most of my passions and feelings went inhibited and would exhibit thereselves usually with not the best of results. I can't admit to ever standing firm on my soapbox and telling my mother or sister or grandmother that I wanted to be a woman, but I can recall the first time I was caught in drag haha. I remember the pain and embarassment I felt of being caught, but I can remember the pride and comfort I felt in what I was caught for. I knew I was different from my classmates, I just didn't know how necc at that young age (8 years old)-but I did once I was older. Growing up, the 'male' of the family, I felt obligated to be masculine and even to this day sadly I am 'forced into repression' of my true self.
Some things have changed, for instance; I was able to come out to my mother about my gender-dysphoria as well as my indecision on a long term plan (hrt, srs, etc), in fact I came out twice lol (maybe the first time was a trial run *shrugs*) but for those two times I was able to be honest and upfront I still felt that I was forced back into repression and that I have never been fully able to be myself. I thank God for the opportunities I had to come out to my mother; my main inspirations coming from reading articles by Monica Roberts to countless conversations with inspiring women such as Lexi and Christine, if it wasn't for that encouragement and inspiration well I'd prob be close to crazy or in my grave by now. My life is currently set on a very indelicate balance between my male and female side and everyday leads to new dicoveries, inspirations, friends, and risks. On one hand there is a personality that is completely controlled by the 'dj' side of me; this is the alpha male, club & globe-trotting, record-spinning superstar, yet on the other half there is me; Lola.
To even structure the latter portion of that sentence took years, believe it or not. I am seeking a better sense of balance or a better situation to let me be and still do what I love. As for what I love, well that's simple: I love good people and sharing good music, my ultimate dream is to get my PhD in Higher Education and Student Development, so I can prepare some good students to become great and succesful people, as well as to be able to establish my own mark as not only a performance based DJ, but as a transgendered one at that. Which if anyone who is familiar with a certain level of DJing (i.e. DJs A-Trak, Nu Mark, Shadow, Diplo, Blaqstarr, AM, MixMasterMike, etc) it is primarily dominated by straight men (well seemingly straight men haha) and there is seemingly no room for a girl like me to play with the boys (unless I were to restrain myself musically and play within settings socially more acceptable but musically intolerable-no offense Honey DiJon, trust me you are one of my idols).
So ultimately, I guess the question is to attempt to create a better grounded balance or to be an outlaw completely, just come out to my family and my music community and say "here I am damnit! take it or leave it!!" Sorry for the legnthy post, friends, just something that was running through my head today while having a conversation about the LGBT community with one of my DJ friends and naturally had to repress the urge to say "hey, I'm TG". *sigh*
4 days ago