well....

::sneaks around the corner slightly frayed and scared:: Hi!! remember me anybody?? I am so sorry I have not updated my blog in so long, life has been extremely crazy yet it has been quite a blessing! Transition is coming along well, still not ft but that is perfectly fine with me. I have been DJing a lot more and I am getting closer to acheiving that all mighty elusive doctorate!! In other news, I have adopted officially a name, and it was given to me by my mother! She stated that the name she has been thinking best for me was Zoe Renee, which I think is awesome! Which translasted means, reborn faith :) which in a way describes my greater sense of being. Anyway, I have moved back into the city and spending some time catching up with some old friends I grew up with, I have even come out with a couple of them and they were suprisingly accepting which was a huge relief. Anyway things have steadied out a bit finally and my life is resuming some order, I promise you I will be back to blogging multiple times a week now and look forward to talking with all of you once again very soon (oooohh and I promise to put a picture of me on here for once too haha). I have a lot to talk about in the upcoming days/ weeks and I can't wait to hear about your lives!! Oh yeah, and thank you all for the wonderful birthday wishes!!! XOXO

Happy Birthday!

To................................Me!!! 24 years friends and still going strong!! Have a great weekend friends!

Introduction to a Wish List

These are things, rather satirical, material, or just plain ole nice that I would like to see happen not only for the good of myself but also the world. This reminded me of a post over at Monica's blog and I just had to add this as one of my first wishes! **the wish being the fulfillment of the MSNBC prophecy with a little extra 'get the network shut down' to boot**



In other news, the first week of HRT is now complete, and I have never felt so sore but so good, ever! Stay tuned!

More Ground-breaking News!!

It is soooo great to see positive focused trans-women excelling in society! From Laverne Cox holding it down on the Diddy show, and to now what I just discovered; Isis! America's Next Top Model will feature the beautiful transwoman Isis (see picture) The 22 year old model is from Prince George's County, Maryland where she was a non-profit worker. I wish her the best succeess on this next season as well as continued success to Laverne and other members of our community shining a positive spotlight for us! Stay tuned for a certain trans-dj to make some noise too! :)

On a lighter note

bottom side of the glass

That was the sight that my eyes embarked on as I finished the first glass of water to womanhood today. My HRT has officially begun :) My nerves are calm and I am terribly excited all at the same time, I really don't know how else to describe this sense of satisfaction and completion, it's definitely not something I'm used to-but it's definitely something I enjoy.

whew!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but trust me, this has been a pretty crazy week. For starters I had to travel to the lovely town of Jeannette, PA due to a death in my stepfathers family. Spent the weekend out there and it was a solemn but a pleasent experience. Then, I spent the past three days in the hospital with my mom because she had surgery, I was extremely worried because there was difficulty with her heart rate but thankfully she is okay now and I got to bring her home yesterday. She has a pretty good track record though, the last time my mom was in the hospital was 23 years ago when she gave birth to me! ^^
In other good news, I was finally able to come clean about myself and my gender identity this past weekend as well as reaffirmation with my mother and step-father, and everything went exceptionally well. I could not have dreamed of a greater love and acceptance. I can now say that I am prepared and ready to engage in the next big big step in transition! I've been cleared for HRT and should be starting my initial regimines within the next week, woo hoo!! I am so excited yet a bit frightened out of my mind!! I think in honor and in maturing to the next satge it is really time for me to consider seriously changing my name, Lola is kind and sweet and everything but I honestly feel that with this next step, it is time for a change, so babynames.com here I come!
In some median grade news I thought my week and my career was on its way to a disastourous end. I was more or less openly transgendered in college, my close friends, ex-fiance, co-workers, fellow staff knew of it but I was still repressed to be so limited within my gender expression. However, once I became more comfrotable and open about my gender, I lost some 'friends' at the same time, some however didn't fall off immediately and allowed their dismay to build (which is the premise to the next part of the weekend). Anyway, I am a part of a DJ message board online which consists of some of the best and some of my favorite DJs around the world. We all get on there several times a day and share music, ideas, humour, advice, and just plain old chit chat. Well there was a thread within a section of the board entitled; "Is anyone on here a homosexual" it wasn't designed to bash or anything, just one of the DJs was curious and also a homosexual and wanted to know how many other DJs on the board was. There were a couple of pages of responses and whatever, people making jokes (nothing offensive) just the usual. I was alerted by a friend that there was a message about me on the board, I login to the board, go to the thread that I was told my name was mentioned and low and behold; someone outed me as being transgendered! I was horrified needless to say, and it wasn't just 'oh yeah, he's transgendered' it was hurtful and deliberate bashing on me and my identity and eventually anyone that had support for me. It was brutal, humiliating, and I felt utterly hopeless, I could only muster the response 'who the hell are you and why are you trying to do this' from which a response of more hatred and exposure continued. The perp even hacked my personal (non dj but tg) mypace and began to message and bother other users on the board and then deleted my page!! Fortunately, the wonderful group of DJs stepped forward and made it clear that they will stand up for me rather the acusation was true or not and eventually got the asshole banned. However, I did have to come clean with one of my favorite DJs that I know personally here in Cleveland, fortunately he was quite accepting as well as the other members of the online message board. I do have intentions of being open and clear to the community (especially now) but I didn't want to do it that way, not at all. But thankfully, its over and my dignity is in tact and I now know I can be open about my gender with the people that I share such a strong passion of music with.
I feel really positive about the revelations that occured and the many changes that are about to happen in the upcoming future. The journey was a long time coming, and I sincerely thank and appreciate all of you for being here with me throughout and for continuing to be with me during. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad things had to go the way they did to get to where they are now, so with a giant sigh of humility and relief I think it may be safe to say

The kind that doesn't work at Chuck E. Cheese!!

*note* title of blog is the usual answer given to the question; "What kind of DJ doesn't carry a microphone?" a little humour for y'all**

Hiya! First and foremost, I want to thank all the wonderful feedback and support I have recieved thus far in my blogging adventure, it means the world to me!! Well, yesterday I talked a little about my background in my continuing discovery of being a transwoman, so I think today I will discuss exactly how I became a DJ. I am 23 years old and have been DJing now for nearly 7 years. I started as a battle DJ when I was in high school and began to quickly earn the respect of many contemporaries, most if not all, much older than me. I competed in contests such as the DMC regionals as well as other battles. The battle scene was fruitful but once I graduated from high school, I also realized it was limited. That is when I learned the fun and exciting life of nightlife party-rocking. Growing up, I always had a strong passion for music, I was trained on the trumpet as well as the piano and grew an ear to learning how to play other instruments as well. I always kept an open mind to all generations and genres of music and carry that passion to this day. Even during my battle days, if I wasn't practicing battle routines, I was making mixes and mixtapes for my close friends and schoolmates (which were excellent by the way haha). Anyway, back to college, I started to grow slowly in the club scene in college, primarily doing house parties, frat parties, the bar or nightclub in town, and occasionally the private event or function. I earned a radio show as well with one of my best friends, he was more of a vocal person and I was more of a 'speak with your hands' kind of person so we were the perfect combination. Every Friday I would perform live 30-40 min mixes, genre jumping through some of my favorite tunes as well as a handful of songs that were great but not nexc 'mainstream' and my best friend would rant about this and that and then make up accents so he can conduct 'interviews with our exclusive guests'.
About halfway through my sophomore year of college, my big breakthrough in nightlife and true party-rocking occured. Word of our mixshow got out in the community and through the state and we grew a large fanbase. I recieved a call from a neighboring university and they had heard one of our broadcast where I was performing a set of some of my favorite electro, house, and baltimore jams and loved what I was doing with it and my techniques. They asked me to perform their biggest bash of the year in the spring and I humbly accepted. The party was a success and my career began to flourish-the rest, well, is history. I have been blessed enough to have been able to use my turntable talents to help pay my tuition and to be able to allow me to travel across the country as well as the planet and share with eager crowds my skills and my uniquely eclectic approaches to music that I love to share. Unfortunately, I have always had the burden of supressing my true identity while I pursue my passion. Fortunately, due to my wide range of playing styles and ability to perform virtually any set with success; there have been a few instances in which I was able to show some of my true colours (LGBT venues)-but it was never within my comfortable element of musical performance.
I'm not saying that there is 'crappy' music in that scene by any means, but the range is so limited (in my experiences at least) that I not only feel that I am doing myself an injustice but also the happy clubheads. I do have recorded sets of some of my live performances, if any of you want to hear what I'm about exactly please don't hesitate to message me and I will gladly get you a copy! Ooh and if any of you wonderful people want a refreshing taste to your nightlife, feel free to invite me to your town! hehe. I would love nothing more to do what I love, be who I am, and share it with the masses-but in this world so heavily compiled of by men; can a girl like me make it? The idealist in me says yes; who cares about how you look when they hear you all doubts will be dismissed but unfortunately the much more experienced 'realist' (bka pessismist) begs the differ. Well, that's all for now, thanks for reading and any feedback, comments, suggestions, advice, please submit, I'm looking forward to it!

oyyy!!!

Oy vey am I self concious!! I have been literally piling over pictures for the past two days to find an appropiate picture for my profile (you know one that doesn't look like crap when scaled down and whatnot) So in the meantime I am leaving with the transtablism flag I designed, it's the transgender pride flag with a recognizable DJ symbol; the record spider (aka 45 record adapter)ergo the name; "transtablism" was born. Trans as in transgender and tablism as in turntablism; maybe I will make a difference after all; the first transtablist haha!! In the meantime if you want to see what I look like and don't want to wait until photos are posted with entries then add me on myspace: http://www.myspace.com/goddesslola84 toodles! ^^

Where It All Began (It Was All A Dream) pt1

It's really hard for me to explain how I ended up this way in a more conventional sense ( maybe in terms of genetic mapping, chemical balances, etc), and the why is still being discovered; but what I can tell you is that somewhere in early in my existence I grew the insight that being a woman was a lot more comfortable for me. What I can say in respects to 'how' in a conventional sense on how I am where I am today is that I was stubborn as hell, just not adament on sticking to my guns long enough. I think naturally like most people begining in their exploration of gender it began with a model figure, being raised by three women after my father passed-I jokingly feel I didn't have any other choice but to idolize and strive to be like the women of my family.
Sadly, most of my passions and feelings went inhibited and would exhibit thereselves usually with not the best of results. I can't admit to ever standing firm on my soapbox and telling my mother or sister or grandmother that I wanted to be a woman, but I can recall the first time I was caught in drag haha. I remember the pain and embarassment I felt of being caught, but I can remember the pride and comfort I felt in what I was caught for. I knew I was different from my classmates, I just didn't know how necc at that young age (8 years old)-but I did once I was older. Growing up, the 'male' of the family, I felt obligated to be masculine and even to this day sadly I am 'forced into repression' of my true self.
Some things have changed, for instance; I was able to come out to my mother about my gender-dysphoria as well as my indecision on a long term plan (hrt, srs, etc), in fact I came out twice lol (maybe the first time was a trial run *shrugs*) but for those two times I was able to be honest and upfront I still felt that I was forced back into repression and that I have never been fully able to be myself. I thank God for the opportunities I had to come out to my mother; my main inspirations coming from reading articles by Monica Roberts to countless conversations with inspiring women such as Lexi and Christine, if it wasn't for that encouragement and inspiration well I'd prob be close to crazy or in my grave by now. My life is currently set on a very indelicate balance between my male and female side and everyday leads to new dicoveries, inspirations, friends, and risks. On one hand there is a personality that is completely controlled by the 'dj' side of me; this is the alpha male, club & globe-trotting, record-spinning superstar, yet on the other half there is me; Lola.
To even structure the latter portion of that sentence took years, believe it or not. I am seeking a better sense of balance or a better situation to let me be and still do what I love. As for what I love, well that's simple: I love good people and sharing good music, my ultimate dream is to get my PhD in Higher Education and Student Development, so I can prepare some good students to become great and succesful people, as well as to be able to establish my own mark as not only a performance based DJ, but as a transgendered one at that. Which if anyone who is familiar with a certain level of DJing (i.e. DJs A-Trak, Nu Mark, Shadow, Diplo, Blaqstarr, AM, MixMasterMike, etc) it is primarily dominated by straight men (well seemingly straight men haha) and there is seemingly no room for a girl like me to play with the boys (unless I were to restrain myself musically and play within settings socially more acceptable but musically intolerable-no offense Honey DiJon, trust me you are one of my idols).
So ultimately, I guess the question is to attempt to create a better grounded balance or to be an outlaw completely, just come out to my family and my music community and say "here I am damnit! take it or leave it!!" Sorry for the legnthy post, friends, just something that was running through my head today while having a conversation about the LGBT community with one of my DJ friends and naturally had to repress the urge to say "hey, I'm TG". *sigh*

My first blog!!

Greetings new friends! Welcome to my first step into the wonderful world of blogging. A little about me; I am a 23 year old non-op/pt african-american transgendered woman from Cleveland, OH. I am a college graduate pursuing my doctorate in student development, I am a professional DJ as well-still awaiting her big break in a world dominated by men. This blog, is going to encompass my lifelong and daily struggles of being a transgendered person and still trying to establish a balance of a part time and possible full time lifestyle. I will be discussing all sorts of music, history, current events, fashion, and personal struggles-this will be a very sharing and worthwhile experience (I hope). I am more than open to all of your comments and support, it can be lonely out there for a girl like me; so I'm hoping some of my readers will be able to share as well. I am always up for a great conversation, so feel free to contact me! Well, that was painless enough, so buckle up boys and girls-here we go!!